Art and Life

I decided to paint tonight... yes, I had time so I painted. And can I just say, I feel like I suck at art. I feel like what I did a 6th grader could do. This isn't the work of a graduated art major. I'm starting to feel like all I have is being a mom. And even then, I sometimes suck at that.

A feeling...

It's hard to describe the feeling I have right now. I think my feeling is composed of a variety of feeling mixed into a cocktail of confusion... Heartbroken, sad, mad, hurt. They almost all surround those four in particular. So many thoughts going through my head and yet none at the same time. None that make sense at least. It may be because it's 1:00 in the morning and that's when my thoughts wander to better times or who knows... I don't think I care to find out what the real reason is... if I could only write what I want to say... but how to say it... I can't. Except that sometimes I close my eyes so hard and wish I had the super power to teleport. Teleport to a secret place. A place my heart can be at peace. A place away from here. I shouldn't think this way though so back under the rug I sweep my feelings. Life isn't as bad as I sometimes feel it is. I keep telling myself that. I have to think about what I do have and try to find the joy in life rather than the sadness and misery that so easily rises to the surface. Good, happy thoughts....
here is one:

Thanksgiving

So it was different not being around family for Thanksgiving this year. Luckily, we were able to go to a ward members house. Yah, coming from my family who eats and eats and eats (thank goodness for high metabolism) I made a huge veggie tray (yes, I had to bring the veggies) and I tripled, yes tripled, a brownie recipe. but you know, 3 sticks of butter, 18 tbsp of cocoa and 3 c of sugar is always delicious so I thought, these will be eaten up. Yah, there were 5 gone total.... I ate brownies everyday for the past week. My family would always go back for more food and watch football all night long. We ate, then left when they started playing games. (didn't think Logan would last to much longer and we had a 30 min. drive home) Logan had a blast though. He chased the girls, in his frankenstein way of walking, around the house and played cars with the big boys. He also learned not to take others toys but oh how he tries. He grabbed a two year olds toy car, the boy got mad and pushed Logan over. Logan, the stubborn kid he is, grabbed the two year old and took him down with him. Which, of course, ended in tears for Logan but he'll learn and he sticks up for himself. My little guy. Love him!
The day before Thanksgiving we decided to take a trip down to Annapolis. Started the day with Ihop and then took off on an adventure. Oh it was so wonderful to get out of the house! I had been feeling like the walls were falling in on me and the trees outside were looming over me, suffocating me like a plastic bag over my head. I needed out. So this was the greatest adventure ever. We went to "downtown" annapolis. It doesn't look anything like a city capital and I loved it. It was more of a small town feel. We saw the Naval academy and saw where Navy plays football. Then headed over and found the capital building. The capital building was amazing! The city surrounding it looked like something out of a history book. the cobblestone streets and buildings stacked side by side as if in London. It was beautiful. We found a cannon from 1630 that the settlers used and then in 1830 or so, it was fished out of the river. Of course, we had to have Logan take a ride on it.

Then the state house itself. SO GLAD WE WENT INSIDE! We were the only ones in there (which is odd coming from the Utah capital building where it's huge and filled with people constantly). Logan loved it because he could do his little "shout" and hear it echo. So he did that the whole time we were there.

This was also where George Washington gave his resignation speech from the Continental Army. It was so cool to be able to be standing where he once stood. The bell tower of the capital was also used as a lookout throughout the wars and unfortunately is closed to the public now but in the pictures you can see people from many years who signed their names in there. There were some from the 1800's and some older. It was neat. We also got to see where the House and Senate meet.
 
 
This is Annapolis. Not what you would expect right?
Then we went to Sandy Point State Park. I made us pay to get in because I was not ready for the day to be over and I HAD to see this magnificent Bay Bridge. (and there were deer in there and I am a little obsessed with the beauty of wildlife lately) (brings me happiness, you know, that jazz) So, this bridge was gorgeous. I have never seen a bridge this long! Here are some pictures:

This was me trying to take a panoramic picture with my phone

another panoramic

Me and Logi Bear

family pic


Even though it was freezing, I knew Logan would love playing in the sand so I took off his shoes and socks and let him play. He cried when we picked him up to leave.
\
He's walking EVERYWHERE!
So, that was fun and now I'm back to being a single parent. I did however do something cool yesterday...

Yah, I played the Powerball.... didn't win though. Oh well, I tried and it was fun. Good thing I don't do this often or I would probably have a gambling addiction. I'm still thinking, I could win. I should have won. So, gotta stay away from that thing. Especially since we don't have the money for it right now. Spencer quite his job so, no income for us. It was a bad neighborhood though and had to have a police escort out every night so hopefully when we come back he can find a new job in pharmacy. Now, I just have to say.... I CAN'T WAIT TO COME HOME FOR A WHOLE MONTH!!!!!! I can't wait to see my family, friends, familiar streets, familiar buildings etc etc etc. I can't wait to drive up to Logan and eat at Mandarin Garden again and see Main Street in the snow and see the A. I would love to see it lit while I'm there. Oh how I miss that city. I love Logan. My heart burns for it.  The Bluebird, Angies... oh how I miss it. Oh how I miss the way the city felt. The way the city smelled. The way my heart lept while I was there. Running in the mornings and feeling the cool air on my face. Seeing the sun come up over the mountains over a foggy campus. The types of trees, the wide streets, the small houses with yards. It was perfect and I miss it so much. It makes me want to cry when I think about it. I sometimes close my eyes and imagine myself there on my many adventures around the city. The open fields, the privacy.... the freedom. The problem, it hurts so much to think about it that i've started to try not to think about it. (which ends up hurting more but hopefully one day it wont)

Here is a happy picture. Christmas... yum! I love Christmas. Our tree is decorated out of baby reach. I think it looks pretty though. I have 3 pinetree candles going in my house at all times. I love the smell of Christmas and I can't wait for cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning at my parents house with Logan opening up his gift from Santa and just feeling at home. I hope there is snow. I hope Utah is saving some snow for me. I hope Logan is saving some snow for me.
AH HOME.... LOGAN.... UTAH.... FAMILY.... FRIENDS... I love you

Mind Purge

first things first. Devastated about the Election. America chose tho. Hopefully Obama can step it up as a President.
Decided I love Russell Brand. He's hilarious and made my day!



Totally made my day a whole lot better after crying and not sleeping all last night.
(not completely due to the election but that definitely put me under.) I'm trying so hard to have a positive attitude because I don't know if I'll survive if I don't. Spencer is thinking of quitting his job.... I made him promise it wasn't because he doesn't think I can do this alone... He says it's not but I know my depression isn't helping his decision. There is so much I want to say but can't... I can't because I don't know who would read it and freak out about it. Lets just say, I'm struggling a lot right now, I don't want added feedback or extra phone calls that I wouldn't normally get otherwise. Just trying to stay positive and not think about it.
I can't wait to come home. 5 more weeks!
Logan is walking. He's such a smarty. He gives High Fives and kisses and is so proud of himself when he walks. I feel bad that I have to get his shots tomorrow. I've been a slacker mom and he hasn't been to the doctor since 6 months... whoops. In my defense I've been trying to get his health insurance figured out. Oh and on that subject. Screw you lazy america. Sittin on your butts expecting the government to pay for everything because you believe you deserve it. You're making those of us who do need help not get it. We are working, going to school, raising a family. Trying everything to stay afloat in this world and we can't. We can't pay for food even though we are working our butts off. We can't afford many things because we can't get help thanks to you. just because we don't want to be stuck in this rut our whole lives, we will still work hard and because of this we won't get help because you're to lazy to get off your fat butts and work like you're able to. You just believe that you're entitled to this. Why work? Why do anything if the government is going to do everything for you. Fair point. Just know that thanks to you, I have to have the stress on me everyday of my life of how are we going to make it each month? What will happen when our student loan is gone and our income is 1/3 of what our rent is. What's going to happen to us? Will we get the help we need in time? or will we still be waiting because someone who chooses not to work got put ahead of us due to "Priority". Thank you, really.
wow, that's a long rant. sorry about that. So we legalized gay marriage, expanded gambling and a thing called the "Dream Act". I figured all but the later would pass but this, "Dream Act" really peeved me. It gives instate tuition to illegal immigrants so long as they've graduated from a maryland high school (3 years) and can prove they pay some taxes or something. Here's the deal, Even if you live in Maryland, you're not even suppose to be in America. Become a Legal citizen and then you should get instate tuition. You can get anything you want. Why would people vote for this? oh because we have to be fair. Well if you say yes to everyone, you're going to end up hurting someone because everyone can't have their way. Why should that be residents of this country who are legally citizens of it?
Ok, now onto lighter things, staying positive remember?
I watched Rock of Ages the other day. I actually really liked it.... however... sometimes I wasn't sure if I was suppose to laugh cause it's a joke or if it was suppose to be serious... let me see if I can find an example of this.

FOUND IT! :) so yes, I'm suppose to laugh... right? This also fits kinda into Maryland passing the Marriage Equality thingy I think. Anyway I did enjoy this show, good one to watch on a cold and lonely night huddled under the blanket enjoying Halloween Candy on the living room floor. (no, I didn't do that at all... I don't know what you're talking about) Loved the song choices. Heck, I'm a fan of any video that incorporates Music, Dancing, and Monologue like for example, Chicago, Moulin Rouge, Across the Universe, Glee (not a movie),(ok, I guess it's more of the ones that incorporate already popular songs into video situations. Even though I still do like Grease, Hairspray, Little Shop of Horrors and Sweeney Todd (yes, I am aware that Chicago fits into this category but it's one of my favorites).) SO CAN I PLEASE SAY HOW EXCITED I AM FOR LES MISERABLES!?!?!?! (No I didn't know my caps lock was on... please... I don't roll that way.) Not only is Les Miserables my favorite play but I am extremely excited for the cast of this movie. I mean, Hello Hugh Jackman.

My Sophomore English teacher called me Cosette the entire year and I never corrected her.
Well, That's a lot to leave you with for one night anyway. Thanks for listening.

Video Purge

Yah those were two that I came across tonight that I liked. Enjoy.

Post Storm

We made it through the storm. We were so blessed and so lucky that we never lost power. It got scary monday night through tuesday morning and ended up moving Logan into our room. The wind was beating his side of the house so bad. He couldn't sleep and I was scared his windows were going to break from the wind or from something hitting into it. Thank goodness we aren't on the ground level so we didn't have to worry about flooding. There is a new river running through the gully by our house along with a small lake and a couple of large trees blown over. Luckily the keep those away from our apartments. It's still rainy but no wind and it's icy cold. Prayers going out to those who are a lot worse off than we are.
Now onto Halloween. Logan is an adorable little tiger. And I'm a lil less adorable Pirate. Haha I think I did pretty well for only going with what I could find in my closet. We had a blast trunk-or-treating on Saturday before the Storm came in. Now, I'm feeling Holiday depression. Yes, Halloween Holiday Depression. HHD I'm calling it. I wish I could be home trick or treating with Logan in my parents neighborhood. I guess it's mostly just because I always figured that's what I'd be doing. Dressing up and taking my kid out for their first Halloween. Instead I'm going to dress Logan in his costume, make dinner and maybe we'll get some trick-or-treaters. I bought candy just for it. We will see. I don't mean to be a sad-sack or anything it's just... you start to realize what your dreams were when you can't have them anymore.
On a lighter note, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! here is an adorable picture to send you off with :)

Hurricane

In the middle of Hurricane Sandy right now. Doing well, still have power. Will write a little more later.

Unknown

So, It's 12:13. I should really be in bed. I should, but I don't want to. So I'm out here in the Living room watching Jay and waiting for Jimmy Fallon. It's kinda sad when you don't want to go to bed. Maybe I'll do some more laundry. But then my neighbors could get mad. Better wait. So we have a hurricane coming right for us. Hurricane Sandy. Apparently she's a super storm. I guess cause she's combining with an arctic low or something and therefor she's stronger and we'll see how long we go without power. Got things ready for it tho. Logan and I went shopping and got milk and baby food. Then I filled some water jugs and froze a milk carton just in case we need to move stuff out of the freezer and into a cooler. Needless to say I'm pretty awesome and prepared. My grandpa isnt doing well. He had a heart attack, stroke and a bunch of stuff. It's kinda sad when your grandma tells your mom that grandpa is scared of dying. Then again, it's also kinda comforting to know that I'm not the only one. I've already decided that I'm never going to die though so I'm good.
You know what's hard? Doing all this work and then having it get undone. (and not by your 10 month old son like you would think). okay, I'm done venting about that.
I wish I was back home with my mom for tonight. My dad is camping and I have no idea where my brother is or what he's doing (he's a whole nother story). My mom and I would usually have girls nights on nights like tonight. We would go out and get chinese and watch a chick flick. Instead we are on opposite sides of the country lonely. At least we got to call each other. I love my mom.
I made bread the other day. That was pretty much awesome! I think that's how I'm going to be doing things from now on. I loved it! Not only did I have hot yummy thick homemade bread to put gobbs of honey and butter on but my house smelled like great harvest. (those of you who don't know what that is, it's an amazing bread store) needless to say one loaf is gone and I'm working on the other one. (I'm thinking I'm going to be making a lot of bread but it's more delicious, healthier (or at least to me), and cheaper than store bought bread. You know what? I think i'm going to go and have a piece right now. Nothing better than a midnight snack. YUM! Trunk or treating tomorrow for Logan. SO excited :)

Visits

I had an amazing time with my mom and one of my best friends this past week! here are some pictures....

As we can tell. We had an awesome time. Here is a list of things we did:
Picked up my mom
next day, we picked up Shay
Went to Inner Harbor. Visited the Barnes and Noble giant store and decided to take a Water Taxi. From the Water taxi, we went exploring and found Fells Point, took another water taxi and went exploring more of the harbor. We lucked out and got a taxi all to ourself and had a guy as captain who use to be a tour guide and he was awesome and took us around more than i think he was suppose to. (like to extra places and what not). We saw where Michael Phelps lived, some Navy ships, a sugar factory, tons of stuff. We then went back to Fells Point and were starving. So we went to a pub. Yes, a pub. It was awesome and delicious. It was both mine and logans first pub experience. Then we headed back and explored more of the inner harbor and Little Italy. (which is way cool)
We went to my friend Brittany's house down in virginia and she was super nice and drove me, shay, my mom, and logan into DC. We went and saw the american flag (the first and great) in the American History Museum and then went and checked out the Museum of Natural History. You pretty much need a whole day to do each museum because there is so much to see. It was pretty awesome. I loved the butterfly exhibit. you got to go onto a room full of real butterflies. nothing makes a day better than a butterfly landing on you. Well when we got out of the museum it was pretty much sunset so we grabbed a soft pretzel (YUM!) and headed to the monuments. It was such an awesome thing to see those beautiful monuments at night. My ultimate favorite is the Lincoln. It's so inspirational and they finally had the reflection pool back and running so we got to see that.
My mom, Logan, and I went to Fort Mchenry. It was pretty neat. To see where an important part of American History took place is amazing. I love America. It was so cool to watch them do a flag change there as well.
We went to the aquarium. This was everyone who was in our group: Me, Logan, Mom, Shay, Brittany, Tony and Jack (brittany and Tony's son). They had a deal where you can go to the aquarium on a friday night after 5 for only 12 dollars. (it's usually 30 so it's amazing)We had a blast and my mom bought Jack and Logan little Nemo fish for her birthday. It was super sweet and they loved them!
After the aquarium I made the mistake of trying to show off the city to my mom and shay at night. Yeah.... ended up in the complete ghetto where there are cameras and boarded up houses, and a possible crime at a McDonalds. That was a LONG drive home. Luckily we made it safe.
Next day it was a hard goodbye to mom and The rest of us headed down to the inner harbor on the Metro to the Harbor Harvest. Logan and Shay picked out a pumpkin which we later painted. (yes i let logan paint his own pumpkin by himself. good idea? yes. next time tho i will for sure be more prepared) anyway. there was also a petting zoo and we explored more of the city. Saw an indian wedding and walked around little italy. Super cool.
We had an amazing time and I absolutely loved getting out of the house with y'all. Oh man was it awesome.

Little man and Lonliness

My little man is starting to walk! I can't believe it!! He took 3 steps in a row today. Everyday he gets better and it's so fun to see him improve and how happy he gets when I praise him and he knows he's done something well.
When Logan goes down for bed that's when I realize how lonely it is. How lonely it is to be alone. You can only clean the house for so long before there is nothing left to clean. I sometimes leave things to be done because I know the loneliness comes in stillness. It's hard to be alone with your thoughts.
Poor little guy is sick. He's been up with mucus and coughing. I put some oils on his toes which helped and put some in the humidifier. This weather and humidity out here is killing us. It changes so fast and when it changes, it changes. I'm hoping Logan can sleep through the night and get a good nights sleep because Grandma is coming tomorrow! :) He's been blessed with his nana and papa this past week who spoiled him of course. This poor kid (and poor mama) won't know what to do when everyone leaves. I guess we'll go back to weekly stroller rides to the grocery store and short walks around the parking lot to get the mail and take out the garbage.

Fam

This song spoke to me yesterday. I haven't had a lot of time to write unfortunately but it has been for a good reason. We've had family out to visit and have more coming tomorrow for a week. It was really good to see some familiar faces. I love my family! They helped so much. I'm also really excited to see my mom and one of my best friends Shay this week! The only thing I'm not looking forward to is saying goodbye. It's so hard to watch them leave and know you won't see them for a while. I can't wait to come home in a few months. Goodbyes are the hardest part. "I wont say goodbye, Just see you later."

My Buddy

This is my buddy. We have a blast together. He's such an amazing young man, as if you didn't know that from all of my past posts. He reminds me of everything good in my life that I have and that I use to have. I actually got ready for the day today. This includes my hair done, makeup on even lipstick. (I never wear lipstick but I'm thinking I like it.) So, here are some pictures from us being a little crazy today.

me trying to be a model haha

yah I don't think I would make it on Top Model

See?! I got put together today :)

Now some of me and my boy! AKA the good ones

Starting the Day

Nothing better than starting your day with a 5K. We did a 5K this morning for charity. It was a lot of fun. Logan really enjoyed himself. He got pushed in his stroller the whole time (yes, we ran with the normal stroller instead of the jogging one because I didn't think to bring it) and he was able to eat cheerios to his hearts content. We had a blast and grateful to start the day off with a little exercise.
I've been missing Logan, Utah a lot today. The Aggies (GO USU!) won tonight. It's so awesome to watch them but when I do it reminds me of how far away from there I really am. How much I wish I was at the game. How much I miss it... wondering what it's like there. I see my friends posting all these pictures and they look so happy. I wish that's how I felt. I'm happy, I guess I'm still just adjusting. You know? They started doing the winning team cheer and I felt like my heart was going to explode and nearly started crying.
I've started to actually draw real things. I'm doing a lot of family portraits of people I know. I pretty much just stalk facebook until I see a happy sweet family picture of someone and draw it. It's kinda fun and definitely gets me back into practicing art.
I finally got to watch some movies! I finally saw Batman, Hunger Games and Brave so far. LOVED THEM! (Brave is a good little kid show that I think you really need every once in a while.) I finally understand what everyone was talking about... just a few months late. Oh well, at least I saw them, right?
Other than what I said, I've pretty much just been trying to keep up on the house work and bills. I feel like with as much work as I get done, I turn around and there is so much more that still needs to be done. It's like it never ends. Oh well. At least I can stay up on it for the most part. Except when I run out of dish-soap and end up just having a whole bunch of pans sitting in my sink. I'll do them tomorrow. Maybe.

As of Lately

As of lately, I've had a few songs stuck in my head. They are some good ones that I really enjoy. So, for your pleasure here they are. (Yes I have kinda been on a Katy Perry craze.)









and as always... A song constantly in my head...

Untitled

So I should probably be doing something productive but instead, I'm trying to make a movie on iDVD and it's taking FOREVER!
Okay so now that I got all of that previous post out of my system I'm back to my good ol' happy self :) <-- see? I wanted to make brownies today... again... I decided instead I would make caramel popcorn. It's healthier right? Wrong, I think. One of the key recipe ingredients is sweetened condensed milk. in 2 tbps there are 130 calories and there are 10 servings in the can. That's a total of 13,000 calories... thank goodness I'm not eating the whole thing... yet. Logan is doing great! He is starting to stand up on his own (trying to at least. It doesn't last very long) and yesterday, he took a step. He took a step and then he fell. He didn't fall and took a step, oh no! It was an actual step! My little boy is growing up so fast! I can't believe how wonderful he is. He gives me the most love that I've ever felt. Given, he can also frustrate me to no end but he always makes up for it by crawling up to me and snuggling into me then looking up at me with his bright blue eyes and smiling. Melts my heart and I can't help but smile right back. I love when it's his bath time. at 8 I look at him and say, "Logan, do you want to go get in the bath?" and his eyes light up and he starts crawling to the bathroom. As soon as that water turns on he is standing up next to the tub jumping up and down and so excited! we get him all ready for bed and as I'm putting him down in his crib I give him 5 kisses and say, "I love you Logan. Sleep well" and he smiles and snuggles his little tiger and starts singing himself to sleep. What a kid. He's perfect. He's my everything. I love him so much. On a side note, I feel like my house is a mess. I feel like I can't catch up with the house ever since Labor Day weekend. I have started my art up again. Which is something that I should probably be working on but with art, as in life, you have to be in the mood to produce anything worth while. My wisdom teeth are coming in. Yes, I am this old and still haven't gotten them out. The one on my bottom right side is and has been KILLING me for a few days now. I'm just praying that I don't need to have them out. Not while I'm out here. Not without someone to take care of me and watch Logan. I just don't know how much longer I can last. My whole jaw hurts and my gum is swollen. I'm worried so we'll see what happens. We had a play date today. We went to a park with a group of other mom's and kids. It was sure nice to get out of the house and talk to adults and let Logan play with some other kids. I get worried sometimes that he's not going to know how to interact with others because he isn't around them very much. I'm sure he'll be fine though. Well, that's all for tonight. Here is a picture of my snuggly guy. He likes soft things.

WARNING: VENTING

I'm sick of doing everything and not having any help or anytime for me. I don't need to be thanked, I just need what I do to be respected.
I wish I had the faith that other people have.
I hate doubt
I hate change
I wish I didn't run from situations
I wish I made different choices in my life sometimes
I'm sick of being alone constantly
I'm sick of not liking the way I look
I'm sick of being away from family
I hate that I can't have my mom go for a drive and come visit
I hate that I can't Logan running around my parents yard picking peaches with grandpa and apples.
I hate that Logan won't be able to dress up and go to his grandparents for his first halloween.
I hate that he's going to spend his first birthday with just me
I hate that I'll be alone with just Logan for Thanksgiving
I hate that my grandparents could die before we come back and Logan won't be able to have anytime with them...
I wish my family would be there when he starts walking
I wish we could go to family's houses on Sunday
I hate that he won't know who people are
I hate that he'll miss the traditional egg hunt at grandma heslop's house
I hate that he'll miss being close to cousins.
I wish I could hug my brother.
I miss Logan utah.
I miss Pleasant View
I miss my mom
I miss my dad
I miss my brother
I miss my friends
I miss having the option of calling a friend and going to see them.
I miss going out for ice cream at Charlies late at night
I hate not having a car
I hate having to be so careful with money
I hate doing the dishes
I hate doing laundry
I hate picking up a mess just to have it undone by everyone else
I hate things being my fault
I miss feeling completely safe and not worrying that someone is going to break in my house
I hate feeling on edge
I hate having my heart race every time I hear a noise
I hate feeling scared
I'm sick of feeling like I have to watch my back everywhere I go
I'm sick of hearing about murders
I miss the mountains
I miss picking pumpkins with my family
I miss cookouts on the farm
I miss my family bringing me gala apples because my dad planted that tree for me
I'm sick of not being able to garden
I hate that I can't go and talk to my neighbors on their porch
I miss hot chocolate and a movie with my mom
I miss watching snow fall from my window back home
I miss going to school
I miss running into people I know
I hate feeling alone
I wish I looked like other women
I wish I didn't have zits
I wish I was skinny
I wish I was understood
I wish I was a better artist
I hate that my knees hurt according to the weather
I hate feeling hurt
I wish I could trust people
I wish... I wish I didn't have these feelings
I am okay though.

artwork

Yes, this was done by me and I honestly have no idea where it came from. I picked up a pen there it went. I actually liked it though and was surprised. (Mom, if you see this, don't worry okay? lol) If she sees this she may pass out. (Just kidding mom, you understand the irony) LOVE YOU MOM!

Beef

So I am starting to be a health-nut (trying is a better word). I don't eat hardly any meat anymore. So I've cut out a lot of meat, no longer drinking milk and trying to eat organic. I don't know if it's really better for you but in all honestly I feel pretty good. (don't get me wrong, if I get the opportunity I'm still going to have a steak or hamburger... no cheeseburger.) But I made the mistake of getting two Mcdoubles today. (no onions as usual) and so by the middle of the second one I started smelling the beef... started actually feeling like I was eating a cow. (I mean it, it tasted like farm and I would know, I grew up on a beef ranch.) So that put a damper on my meat splurge.
On a lighter note, I saw a deer today. Not just one either. It had two little babies following it. So cute. Ok well, here is some pictures of my perfect little boy

He loves his sunglasses.

Look how big he is getting! love this kid.

Fall

So I believe fall has officially started. (Now it's official since I lit my fall candles (my friends talked me into it 2 days before I was going actually going to light them (don't tell them I think they're right.))) Anyway so Logan and I walked to the grocery store today. The local Giant. It's our traditional weekly pilgrimage. We go and get milk, bread, baby food, cheese today we got diapers. Yah, we keep busy. Although, he looses his patience before I do and I have to keep him entertained with Cherrios. That's okay tho cause then I get some too and usually get me a little treat at the store. Today it was a diet coke. I've had a headache all day but what are you gonna do. I don't really take medicine. I'm more of the oil type of person. I didn't take any medication (other than tums) my entire pregnancy and I'm pretty proud about that. Here are some pictures from today.

He's my little buddy. He's giving me a kiss in the last one. I love his kisses even though they are big and sloppy. It makes my job worth it. Sometimes I get frustrated and I want to just lie down but I think that's when Logan realizes I need him. He comes up and gives me a little love with his hugs or a kiss. We love building blocks, well I do. He loves knocking them over but I will always re stack them because I love stacking blocks. Sad to say but it could probably keep me entertained for an hour if I had enough of them.
Ok, so my big boy is 9 months old. CRAZY RIGHT?! Yah he's been alive as long as I was pregnant with him. Seems it's gone by a lot faster than the pregnancy. (although that went pretty fast for the most part too.) We were sitting out on the balcony today looking over our beautiful view at the leaves and watching cars go by in the parking lot and I couldn't believe how much this kid looks like me.

So although this picture of me is from when I was like 2 or 3 months old you can see the resemblance. I was looking for one where we were closer in age but I don't seem to have it on my computer. Oh well. Needless to say, he's my boy. Although, he has the lightest blue eyes I have ever seen. they are much lighter than mine ever were. I love his blonde hair. He's got this natural mohawk going on where it's long on the top (like a good 3 in.) and about an in. long going down the center of the back. the rest is mostly short. It's so adorable if I do say so myself. Which I do. We're finally on a schedule which we haven't been on his entire life mostly because of me working and doing school. I have to say that I like it. We aren't crazy strict like we'll push naps and stuff if we have somewhere to go, but for the most part we know what the day is going to be like. Even though I feel like he's going to switch it up here on me soon. Thankfully he's sleeping through the night now. It helps that he isn't sleeping in the same room as me anymore.

NERD

Ok, I am a nerd. I love correcting people's papers. I know you wouldn't understand this from reading my blog because I'm so scatter brained and throw punctuation and sometimes, spelling out the window. But! (see there is a big no no lol) (so is that) anyway, I got to correct and go over a pharmacy debate paper last night and ended up staying up till one. (it doesn't help that the girl who wrote it obviously only completed two years of college and I'm guessing her high school wasn't that into essay construction either) there were these random... air bunnies... through out the paper. for example she kept putting "random quotations" in the paper for emphasis and started out the essay with a, "Imagine Nataline....". That got my attention from the beginning. Not in a good way. So yes, I was up till one doing surgery on a paper. looking up sources they had put in because they were scattered and in the wrong places. etc etc etc. And I loved it. Not to toot my own horn but I kick butt at writing papers. Always have and I'm proud of it. The more imaginative writing is where I struggle which is weird since I'm so artsy. Guess I have to use some of my left brain. ;)

Glee

Okay, I will admit it. I love glee. Music has so many....things... in it. it's like music and the arts can talk to you on so many different levels that normal conversation can't express. It produces this feeling that I can only describe as a train hitting you head on and ripping of an outer shell of yourself to reveal some super hero inside that is ready to burst into song. (wow deep right? feel free to roll your eyes here) I don't know if it's something wrong with me but I've heard it's a symptom of A.D.D. but I get so into movies and Television shows that sometimes I feel like I'm in them. (Ask my friends, I'm either the greatest person to watch something with or it's worst enemy) ANYWAY! This past episode of glee I understood immensely... I feel like Rachel in New York. She said exactly how I am feeling. So thank goodness for pop culture and their ability to put feelings into words. Well, Goodnight.
I Love You

Single Momularity

Yes, Momularity. I just made up that word. It's a word that means the act of being a mother in a specific situation. In this case, in singleness. And it is hard work. I have a much greater respect for single mothers. Especially single mothers without a car. For me, my radius from my apartment here in maryland is a grand total of 1.5 miles with Logan. (further if I'm running and he's fallen asleep) but yes. 1.5 miles in one direction with our destination at the end is my son's limit and that's with taking him out and carrying him for the last .25 of the trip. Oh well, strong muscles right? I have to say tho. That with taking care of a house, the bills, and a son there isn't any time for me. I'm gonna be honest here. I'm lucky if I can change out of my pajamas for the day. Thank goodness for naps and Sesame Street. They give me an hour to catch up on dishes. So, here I am at 12:00. Still up, not wanting to go to bed and thinking... I have to get up in the morning hopefully Logan will sleep till 8. The house is quiet now tho. Logan is in bed and I have the living room all to myself. It's nice. I guess that's why I'm staying up.
I finally picked up a pencil and began drawing again today. First time since graduation that I actually just doodled. The picture kinda tells a lot about how I'm feeling in life and I didn't even realize it until I was done and looked at it a minute.

Yah that explains how my life is now... But no, I do not have a cat.
Well, I guess I better get some shut eye for the time being. Goodnight.
Love you.

Blatimore

So, we made it to Baltimore and so did all of our stuff. For the most part in one piece. Logan was amazing on the plane and slept the majority of the time. He has a great demeanor. It has been wicked hot and humid the last little bit but today I walked outside and we have officially gone into Fall weather within a day. Thankfully I found some clothes for Logan out here so he has himself some fancy long pants and shirts.

Can I just say that this kid is into EVERYTHING. He is a little trouble maker. A cute trouble maker but one for sure. Whenever I take my eyes off of him for a second I suddenly hear crashes in the other room because he is into the cupboard pulling out all of my nice clean pans. Decided we needed to put a rubber band (tacky I know) around the handles of the cupboards under the sink because that's where I keep the cleaners and it turned out that after the pan cupboard, under the sink was his favorite to climb into.

I sure do love my little guy. I can't believe he is 9 months old today.... That's as long as I was pregnant with him (which seemed to go on FOREVER. This went by to fast) He's starting to stand by himself. He can do it but then falls when he realizes I'm no longer holding onto him. I love this little boy. He's starting to throw a ball and we play catch. Maybe He'll play baseball one day. He seems to love it and will watch the O's play. He also likes football and throwing things. Don't you just love my lil blonde hair blue eyed boy? I smile everytime I look at him. He reminds me of home.
Happy 9 months logan!

a thought

Happiness is a mood. Not a destination. I really like that. Happiness is like hunger, it comes and goes and that's okay. It's okay to feel depressed sometimes. The up's and down's of life are normal. We are always saying that I will be happy when I have a this car or this job or this that and the other. But even with all that stuff in our life happiness will still come and go. Just a thought to think on :)

Life

Sometimes life isn't what you think it's going to be. Life happens. We've all heard that slogan right? Well it's true. Life does happen. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. The important thing to remember is who you are. But who are you? Who am I? That's something I think I will forever be discovering. That big cliché question of "Who am I?". Well, I am Colette Heslop. Recently Banks. I have a son whom I love very much. I'm graduating Magna Cum Laude in Drawing and Painting blah blah blah does it all really tell who I am? I don't think it does. I think it says what I am. A wife, mother and student. Yah that's all great but I feel like it's only sometimes I get the clear view of who I really am. I have all of these hopes and dreams too. Yes for those of you reading this I know it's a VERY cheesy one. So here are some of my crazy dreams that are probably, most likely, going to never happen. 1. Pack my bags and travel the world by showing up at the air port and picking a random place, staying there for a little bit and then doing the same thing until I eventually wind back up in Utah. 2. Spend a year traveling through Europe and seeing all the art I've spent YEARS learning about. (kinda goes along with number 1 but doesn't have to) 3. Sing on an album. I had the opportunity when I was in high school but my mom didn't let me because she didn't trust the people doing it. (yes, she's overprotective but a great mom) 4. Go to the game when the Jazz are in the NBA finals. (because lets face it, it's gonna happen people) 5. Oddly enough I would like to go skinny dipping (no it's not a dream this is more of a I'd like to try it sometime) It's never going to happen tho because I am not confident enough nor brave enough. Also, slightly more modest then what skinny dipping asks for. 6. This goes along with number 5, I would really like to feel good about my body. I've always been self conscious and it will probably never change but that's okay. 7. I would love to own a ranch. A house, reasonably sized on 500 acres of rugged land that I can have my animals graze on while I paint on the front porch. That's another thing. 8. I want to plien air paint in Paris. AND have someone pay me right off the street for my painting. 9. I want to get all dolled up in a super fancy dress I can't afford and a fur stole and be greeted at the door by a ruggedly handsome man with a dozen red roses to go and see a play, opera, or ballet. 10. I would like to write a book. A book that can change people's lives or at least give them a good read. And finally for tonight 11. I want to grow old with the man I love. Have a sit down at a resturant when we're 70 years old on the same side of the booth and hold hands and share a soda. I want that kind of love. I think this kinda tells a little bit of who I am. It's helped me a little. Well, Goodnight world. Until next time.

Graduation

Ok so i apologize in advance to my family as i'm about to be living at the art building 24/7 for the next 2 weeks. I have 3 more paintings i HAVE to do. I also have a 3ft. by 5ft woodcut suicide final. for those of you who don't know what a suicide print is: you cut away the parts you want white on your print, print and continue doing this with continually cutting away more and more and printing different colors on top of colors using the same board (hence the suicide print name, one you cut it away and print, you can't go back and change it) So needless to say i have only 2 of the 5 layers done so i'm gonna need to get busy.
I graduate in 2 weeks! oh my goodness oh my goodness!!! we Picked up some aggie gear for logan today to wear in some family graduation pictures. I AM SO EXCITED!!!! it's gonna be awesome. Also, our move back to my parents home is coming up.... I have to admit that i am excited. just sad to be leaving logan. (not our son, just the city lol) I was thinking about it the other day, we might NEVER be coming back to logan. It really made me sad. I count this as our city, our home. I look forward to the new beginings and adventures but still. I love Logan. There is no city better. (tati: i now know what you mean. Logan is the promised land). So there is a quick view into our life at the moment now to get back to work.

pic's

We went to JC Penny's today to get some pictures in Logan's blessing outfit. He did so great... until 15 minutes in. Then he got overly tired and we couldn't get him to smile and laugh anymore. The pictures turned out SO cute! I am very glad that we got them done and can't wait to see the portraits. We had two outfits and thankfully we did the blessing outfit first because when we changed him into his Utah Jazz outfit, he was done haha. It's okay though. We are just glad that he lasted as long as he did and we got some pictures with his infectious smile :)

Rolling Over

Lately Logan has been trying and trying and trying to roll over. He just can't quite make it over so the other day I decided to give him a little help.


That was as far as he could get. So... naturally I gave him a little nudge to help the rest of the way.

And! when he finally got over, he was SO proud of himself.

Can't you see the look of accomplishment on his adorable lil' face?! He loves pretending like he is older than he really is. It was kinda sad tho when I stopped pushing him over because I had to get dinner and he would try to roll over and just couldn't make it so he would get frustrated and start whimpering but the second I rolled him over again he was all smiles. WE COULDN'T WAIT TO SHOW DADDY! :)
I also wish I had a picture of this, but Logan has started blowing raspberries. It's so cute! especially when you do them to him and then he does it back. Such a smart lil guy we have :)