here is one:
11.30.2012
A feeling...
It's hard to describe the feeling I have right now. I think my feeling is composed of a variety of feeling mixed into a cocktail of confusion... Heartbroken, sad, mad, hurt. They almost all surround those four in particular. So many thoughts going through my head and yet none at the same time. None that make sense at least. It may be because it's 1:00 in the morning and that's when my thoughts wander to better times or who knows... I don't think I care to find out what the real reason is... if I could only write what I want to say... but how to say it... I can't. Except that sometimes I close my eyes so hard and wish I had the super power to teleport. Teleport to a secret place. A place my heart can be at peace. A place away from here. I shouldn't think this way though so back under the rug I sweep my feelings. Life isn't as bad as I sometimes feel it is. I keep telling myself that. I have to think about what I do have and try to find the joy in life rather than the sadness and misery that so easily rises to the surface. Good, happy thoughts....
here is one:
here is one:
11.29.2012
Thanksgiving
So it was different not being around family for Thanksgiving this year. Luckily, we were able to go to a ward members house. Yah, coming from my family who eats and eats and eats (thank goodness for high metabolism) I made a huge veggie tray (yes, I had to bring the veggies) and I tripled, yes tripled, a brownie recipe. but you know, 3 sticks of butter, 18 tbsp of cocoa and 3 c of sugar is always delicious so I thought, these will be eaten up. Yah, there were 5 gone total.... I ate brownies everyday for the past week. My family would always go back for more food and watch football all night long. We ate, then left when they started playing games. (didn't think Logan would last to much longer and we had a 30 min. drive home) Logan had a blast though. He chased the girls, in his frankenstein way of walking, around the house and played cars with the big boys. He also learned not to take others toys but oh how he tries. He grabbed a two year olds toy car, the boy got mad and pushed Logan over. Logan, the stubborn kid he is, grabbed the two year old and took him down with him. Which, of course, ended in tears for Logan but he'll learn and he sticks up for himself. My little guy. Love him!
The day before Thanksgiving we decided to take a trip down to Annapolis. Started the day with Ihop and then took off on an adventure. Oh it was so wonderful to get out of the house! I had been feeling like the walls were falling in on me and the trees outside were looming over me, suffocating me like a plastic bag over my head. I needed out. So this was the greatest adventure ever. We went to "downtown" annapolis. It doesn't look anything like a city capital and I loved it. It was more of a small town feel. We saw the Naval academy and saw where Navy plays football. Then headed over and found the capital building. The capital building was amazing! The city surrounding it looked like something out of a history book. the cobblestone streets and buildings stacked side by side as if in London. It was beautiful. We found a cannon from 1630 that the settlers used and then in 1830 or so, it was fished out of the river. Of course, we had to have Logan take a ride on it.
Then the state house itself. SO GLAD WE WENT INSIDE! We were the only ones in there (which is odd coming from the Utah capital building where it's huge and filled with people constantly). Logan loved it because he could do his little "shout" and hear it echo. So he did that the whole time we were there.
This was also where George Washington gave his resignation speech from the Continental Army. It was so cool to be able to be standing where he once stood. The bell tower of the capital was also used as a lookout throughout the wars and unfortunately is closed to the public now but in the pictures you can see people from many years who signed their names in there. There were some from the 1800's and some older. It was neat. We also got to see where the House and Senate meet.
This is Annapolis. Not what you would expect right?
Then we went to Sandy Point State Park. I made us pay to get in because I was not ready for the day to be over and I HAD to see this magnificent Bay Bridge. (and there were deer in there and I am a little obsessed with the beauty of wildlife lately) (brings me happiness, you know, that jazz) So, this bridge was gorgeous. I have never seen a bridge this long! Here are some pictures:
This was me trying to take a panoramic picture with my phone
another panoramic
Me and Logi Bear
family pic
Even though it was freezing, I knew Logan would love playing in the sand so I took off his shoes and socks and let him play. He cried when we picked him up to leave.
\
He's walking EVERYWHERE!
So, that was fun and now I'm back to being a single parent. I did however do something cool yesterday...
Yah, I played the Powerball.... didn't win though. Oh well, I tried and it was fun. Good thing I don't do this often or I would probably have a gambling addiction. I'm still thinking, I could win. I should have won. So, gotta stay away from that thing. Especially since we don't have the money for it right now. Spencer quite his job so, no income for us. It was a bad neighborhood though and had to have a police escort out every night so hopefully when we come back he can find a new job in pharmacy. Now, I just have to say.... I CAN'T WAIT TO COME HOME FOR A WHOLE MONTH!!!!!! I can't wait to see my family, friends, familiar streets, familiar buildings etc etc etc. I can't wait to drive up to Logan and eat at Mandarin Garden again and see Main Street in the snow and see the A. I would love to see it lit while I'm there. Oh how I miss that city. I love Logan. My heart burns for it. The Bluebird, Angies... oh how I miss it. Oh how I miss the way the city felt. The way the city smelled. The way my heart lept while I was there. Running in the mornings and feeling the cool air on my face. Seeing the sun come up over the mountains over a foggy campus. The types of trees, the wide streets, the small houses with yards. It was perfect and I miss it so much. It makes me want to cry when I think about it. I sometimes close my eyes and imagine myself there on my many adventures around the city. The open fields, the privacy.... the freedom. The problem, it hurts so much to think about it that i've started to try not to think about it. (which ends up hurting more but hopefully one day it wont)
Here is a happy picture. Christmas... yum! I love Christmas. Our tree is decorated out of baby reach. I think it looks pretty though. I have 3 pinetree candles going in my house at all times. I love the smell of Christmas and I can't wait for cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning at my parents house with Logan opening up his gift from Santa and just feeling at home. I hope there is snow. I hope Utah is saving some snow for me. I hope Logan is saving some snow for me.
AH HOME.... LOGAN.... UTAH.... FAMILY.... FRIENDS... I love you
The day before Thanksgiving we decided to take a trip down to Annapolis. Started the day with Ihop and then took off on an adventure. Oh it was so wonderful to get out of the house! I had been feeling like the walls were falling in on me and the trees outside were looming over me, suffocating me like a plastic bag over my head. I needed out. So this was the greatest adventure ever. We went to "downtown" annapolis. It doesn't look anything like a city capital and I loved it. It was more of a small town feel. We saw the Naval academy and saw where Navy plays football. Then headed over and found the capital building. The capital building was amazing! The city surrounding it looked like something out of a history book. the cobblestone streets and buildings stacked side by side as if in London. It was beautiful. We found a cannon from 1630 that the settlers used and then in 1830 or so, it was fished out of the river. Of course, we had to have Logan take a ride on it.
Then the state house itself. SO GLAD WE WENT INSIDE! We were the only ones in there (which is odd coming from the Utah capital building where it's huge and filled with people constantly). Logan loved it because he could do his little "shout" and hear it echo. So he did that the whole time we were there.
This was also where George Washington gave his resignation speech from the Continental Army. It was so cool to be able to be standing where he once stood. The bell tower of the capital was also used as a lookout throughout the wars and unfortunately is closed to the public now but in the pictures you can see people from many years who signed their names in there. There were some from the 1800's and some older. It was neat. We also got to see where the House and Senate meet.
This is Annapolis. Not what you would expect right?
Then we went to Sandy Point State Park. I made us pay to get in because I was not ready for the day to be over and I HAD to see this magnificent Bay Bridge. (and there were deer in there and I am a little obsessed with the beauty of wildlife lately) (brings me happiness, you know, that jazz) So, this bridge was gorgeous. I have never seen a bridge this long! Here are some pictures:
This was me trying to take a panoramic picture with my phone
another panoramic
Me and Logi Bear
family pic
Even though it was freezing, I knew Logan would love playing in the sand so I took off his shoes and socks and let him play. He cried when we picked him up to leave.
\He's walking EVERYWHERE!
So, that was fun and now I'm back to being a single parent. I did however do something cool yesterday...
Yah, I played the Powerball.... didn't win though. Oh well, I tried and it was fun. Good thing I don't do this often or I would probably have a gambling addiction. I'm still thinking, I could win. I should have won. So, gotta stay away from that thing. Especially since we don't have the money for it right now. Spencer quite his job so, no income for us. It was a bad neighborhood though and had to have a police escort out every night so hopefully when we come back he can find a new job in pharmacy. Now, I just have to say.... I CAN'T WAIT TO COME HOME FOR A WHOLE MONTH!!!!!! I can't wait to see my family, friends, familiar streets, familiar buildings etc etc etc. I can't wait to drive up to Logan and eat at Mandarin Garden again and see Main Street in the snow and see the A. I would love to see it lit while I'm there. Oh how I miss that city. I love Logan. My heart burns for it. The Bluebird, Angies... oh how I miss it. Oh how I miss the way the city felt. The way the city smelled. The way my heart lept while I was there. Running in the mornings and feeling the cool air on my face. Seeing the sun come up over the mountains over a foggy campus. The types of trees, the wide streets, the small houses with yards. It was perfect and I miss it so much. It makes me want to cry when I think about it. I sometimes close my eyes and imagine myself there on my many adventures around the city. The open fields, the privacy.... the freedom. The problem, it hurts so much to think about it that i've started to try not to think about it. (which ends up hurting more but hopefully one day it wont)
Here is a happy picture. Christmas... yum! I love Christmas. Our tree is decorated out of baby reach. I think it looks pretty though. I have 3 pinetree candles going in my house at all times. I love the smell of Christmas and I can't wait for cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning at my parents house with Logan opening up his gift from Santa and just feeling at home. I hope there is snow. I hope Utah is saving some snow for me. I hope Logan is saving some snow for me.
AH HOME.... LOGAN.... UTAH.... FAMILY.... FRIENDS... I love you
11.07.2012
Mind Purge
first things first. Devastated about the Election. America chose tho. Hopefully Obama can step it up as a President.
Decided I love Russell Brand. He's hilarious and made my day!
Totally made my day a whole lot better after crying and not sleeping all last night.
(not completely due to the election but that definitely put me under.) I'm trying so hard to have a positive attitude because I don't know if I'll survive if I don't. Spencer is thinking of quitting his job.... I made him promise it wasn't because he doesn't think I can do this alone... He says it's not but I know my depression isn't helping his decision. There is so much I want to say but can't... I can't because I don't know who would read it and freak out about it. Lets just say, I'm struggling a lot right now, I don't want added feedback or extra phone calls that I wouldn't normally get otherwise. Just trying to stay positive and not think about it.
I can't wait to come home. 5 more weeks!
Logan is walking. He's such a smarty. He gives High Fives and kisses and is so proud of himself when he walks. I feel bad that I have to get his shots tomorrow. I've been a slacker mom and he hasn't been to the doctor since 6 months... whoops. In my defense I've been trying to get his health insurance figured out. Oh and on that subject. Screw you lazy america. Sittin on your butts expecting the government to pay for everything because you believe you deserve it. You're making those of us who do need help not get it. We are working, going to school, raising a family. Trying everything to stay afloat in this world and we can't. We can't pay for food even though we are working our butts off. We can't afford many things because we can't get help thanks to you. just because we don't want to be stuck in this rut our whole lives, we will still work hard and because of this we won't get help because you're to lazy to get off your fat butts and work like you're able to. You just believe that you're entitled to this. Why work? Why do anything if the government is going to do everything for you. Fair point. Just know that thanks to you, I have to have the stress on me everyday of my life of how are we going to make it each month? What will happen when our student loan is gone and our income is 1/3 of what our rent is. What's going to happen to us? Will we get the help we need in time? or will we still be waiting because someone who chooses not to work got put ahead of us due to "Priority". Thank you, really.
wow, that's a long rant. sorry about that. So we legalized gay marriage, expanded gambling and a thing called the "Dream Act". I figured all but the later would pass but this, "Dream Act" really peeved me. It gives instate tuition to illegal immigrants so long as they've graduated from a maryland high school (3 years) and can prove they pay some taxes or something. Here's the deal, Even if you live in Maryland, you're not even suppose to be in America. Become a Legal citizen and then you should get instate tuition. You can get anything you want. Why would people vote for this? oh because we have to be fair. Well if you say yes to everyone, you're going to end up hurting someone because everyone can't have their way. Why should that be residents of this country who are legally citizens of it?
Ok, now onto lighter things, staying positive remember?
I watched Rock of Ages the other day. I actually really liked it.... however... sometimes I wasn't sure if I was suppose to laugh cause it's a joke or if it was suppose to be serious... let me see if I can find an example of this.
FOUND IT! :) so yes, I'm suppose to laugh... right? This also fits kinda into Maryland passing the Marriage Equality thingy I think. Anyway I did enjoy this show, good one to watch on a cold and lonely night huddled under the blanket enjoying Halloween Candy on the living room floor. (no, I didn't do that at all... I don't know what you're talking about) Loved the song choices. Heck, I'm a fan of any video that incorporates Music, Dancing, and Monologue like for example, Chicago, Moulin Rouge, Across the Universe, Glee (not a movie),(ok, I guess it's more of the ones that incorporate already popular songs into video situations. Even though I still do like Grease, Hairspray, Little Shop of Horrors and Sweeney Todd (yes, I am aware that Chicago fits into this category but it's one of my favorites).) SO CAN I PLEASE SAY HOW EXCITED I AM FOR LES MISERABLES!?!?!?! (No I didn't know my caps lock was on... please... I don't roll that way.) Not only is Les Miserables my favorite play but I am extremely excited for the cast of this movie. I mean, Hello Hugh Jackman.
My Sophomore English teacher called me Cosette the entire year and I never corrected her.
Well, That's a lot to leave you with for one night anyway. Thanks for listening.
Decided I love Russell Brand. He's hilarious and made my day!
Totally made my day a whole lot better after crying and not sleeping all last night.
(not completely due to the election but that definitely put me under.) I'm trying so hard to have a positive attitude because I don't know if I'll survive if I don't. Spencer is thinking of quitting his job.... I made him promise it wasn't because he doesn't think I can do this alone... He says it's not but I know my depression isn't helping his decision. There is so much I want to say but can't... I can't because I don't know who would read it and freak out about it. Lets just say, I'm struggling a lot right now, I don't want added feedback or extra phone calls that I wouldn't normally get otherwise. Just trying to stay positive and not think about it.
I can't wait to come home. 5 more weeks!
Logan is walking. He's such a smarty. He gives High Fives and kisses and is so proud of himself when he walks. I feel bad that I have to get his shots tomorrow. I've been a slacker mom and he hasn't been to the doctor since 6 months... whoops. In my defense I've been trying to get his health insurance figured out. Oh and on that subject. Screw you lazy america. Sittin on your butts expecting the government to pay for everything because you believe you deserve it. You're making those of us who do need help not get it. We are working, going to school, raising a family. Trying everything to stay afloat in this world and we can't. We can't pay for food even though we are working our butts off. We can't afford many things because we can't get help thanks to you. just because we don't want to be stuck in this rut our whole lives, we will still work hard and because of this we won't get help because you're to lazy to get off your fat butts and work like you're able to. You just believe that you're entitled to this. Why work? Why do anything if the government is going to do everything for you. Fair point. Just know that thanks to you, I have to have the stress on me everyday of my life of how are we going to make it each month? What will happen when our student loan is gone and our income is 1/3 of what our rent is. What's going to happen to us? Will we get the help we need in time? or will we still be waiting because someone who chooses not to work got put ahead of us due to "Priority". Thank you, really.
wow, that's a long rant. sorry about that. So we legalized gay marriage, expanded gambling and a thing called the "Dream Act". I figured all but the later would pass but this, "Dream Act" really peeved me. It gives instate tuition to illegal immigrants so long as they've graduated from a maryland high school (3 years) and can prove they pay some taxes or something. Here's the deal, Even if you live in Maryland, you're not even suppose to be in America. Become a Legal citizen and then you should get instate tuition. You can get anything you want. Why would people vote for this? oh because we have to be fair. Well if you say yes to everyone, you're going to end up hurting someone because everyone can't have their way. Why should that be residents of this country who are legally citizens of it?
Ok, now onto lighter things, staying positive remember?
I watched Rock of Ages the other day. I actually really liked it.... however... sometimes I wasn't sure if I was suppose to laugh cause it's a joke or if it was suppose to be serious... let me see if I can find an example of this.
FOUND IT! :) so yes, I'm suppose to laugh... right? This also fits kinda into Maryland passing the Marriage Equality thingy I think. Anyway I did enjoy this show, good one to watch on a cold and lonely night huddled under the blanket enjoying Halloween Candy on the living room floor. (no, I didn't do that at all... I don't know what you're talking about) Loved the song choices. Heck, I'm a fan of any video that incorporates Music, Dancing, and Monologue like for example, Chicago, Moulin Rouge, Across the Universe, Glee (not a movie),(ok, I guess it's more of the ones that incorporate already popular songs into video situations. Even though I still do like Grease, Hairspray, Little Shop of Horrors and Sweeney Todd (yes, I am aware that Chicago fits into this category but it's one of my favorites).) SO CAN I PLEASE SAY HOW EXCITED I AM FOR LES MISERABLES!?!?!?! (No I didn't know my caps lock was on... please... I don't roll that way.) Not only is Les Miserables my favorite play but I am extremely excited for the cast of this movie. I mean, Hello Hugh Jackman.
My Sophomore English teacher called me Cosette the entire year and I never corrected her.
Well, That's a lot to leave you with for one night anyway. Thanks for listening.
11.01.2012
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